Friday, April 10, 2009

Love or Obsession?

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a friend seems to drop me for a boy or even when she is still around sometimes but mostly just obsesses over the fact she has the best boyfriend ever. I think what hit the nail in the head for me was finding out about a friend I rarely see on account she is mainly with her boyfriend, that one of the rare occasions the two of us got to chill alone, she seemed rushed to leave after a while. I knew her parents were strict and she said she had to go home. Then I find out she scurried over to her boyfriend's. That doesn't make me feel very good at all. I have always been very proud of the fact I still work really hard to hang out with my boyfriend and friends separately and sometimes together. I don't think anyone can say I have ditched them to hang out with him and I am SO GLAD for that. No matter what kind of relationship you are in, I think the healthiest thing is to still keep a dose of your independence. That's what love is, caring for someone and still caring for yourself. If whoever you are dating wants to take away that independence from you, that is not love at all. 

I think the main thing is the difference between love and obsession. I really believe you can love someone and be caught up with obsession as well. I could be wrong and someone could disagree with this but here are a few things I came up with to explain the difference in my eyes between healthy love and love obsession. 

HEALTHY = A text or two during the day to see how the other's day is going. Or a phone call or IM at the end of the day.

OBSESSION = Constantly texting, IMing, talking on the phone. Like, if you spend every free second you have in a day to talk to that person, it seems a bit much.

HEALTHY = Being okay with a weekend spent apart. Sure, you'll miss each other but you look at it as a way to be with other friends or do something alone. I do believe absence in small doses makes the heart grow way fonder.

OBSESSION = Freaking out about any significant time spent apart. Finding ways so you don't have to be without your sweetie for more than a day, even if it means neglecting time spent alone with your friends.

There are tons more, I'm sure, but I found this article and I think it explains my thoughts exactly.

"Obsessive feelings are often mistaken for love because people rationalize that, “It must be love if I can’t think of anyone else.” Obsession is similar to lust but it is much more misleading and destructive. While lust is often fleeting, fading as two people come to know each other better, obsession sticks around once people have seen each other flaws and all. In fact, obsession can be made worse with time while lust always fades. Love can grow out of lust but obsession kills love every time. The more time and effort invested in an unhealthy obsession based relationship the more intense the obsession can become and the more damage is done. People in an obsessed state have a one-track mind where the other person is concerned to the point where they often lose touch with who they are as an individual. This loss of individuality creates a vicious circle of behavior where the obsessed person grows more and more dependant on the other person and on the relationship in general. Even so called unrequited love (love that is not returned) can become an overwhelming obsession. This is where obsession gets dangerous. When one person believes they are in a relationship that doesn’t truly exist, or when one person is more invested in an existing relationship than the other, the foundation for an obsession has been laid. So how do you recognize an obsession? There are signs. If all of your time and effort goes in to satisfying the needs of another or in chasing after another person then you are at risk of becoming obsessed. If one person is always trying to please the other person or if the relationship is without consideration and compromise then it could be based on obsessive feelings rather than real love. Real love is nurturing and helps people grow but obsession is debilitating and takes away from the psyche of the person caught up in it. If you feel like you have lost yourself, if you are always striving to please your partner without them doing the same for you, and if you find yourself making all your decisions in your life based on the feelings and needs of the other person you are obsessed and not in a real love relationship." [From]

I apologize if anyone reads this and it hurts their feelings. It was just something I have been dealing with a lot lately and I had to get it out somehow and my blog is the best way to do it.


  1. I definately agree with you on this one. I can first hand tell you that a realtionship based on obsession vs. love is not really a relationship at all. It now disturbs me when I see couples in an obsession relationship, or people in just an obsession friendship... The constant texting from the time they wake up, till the moment they go to bed, just seems over the top tp me. I know that Toby and I have a love-love relationship. On a normal day we each go to class, do our own things, and at the end of the day we make sure one another was have a good day. We don't see eachother at all during the week, and we are both fine with that cause we both need our time to be our own independent selves. Weekend are usually our time to be together, but even then it varies... I guess for now you just have to stick in there and let people figure this out, and if they do not realize what a great friend they are missing out on... Then that is a great loss to them, cause YOU are an amazing friend so don't forget that! ! !

  2. You know I agree totally! I have had bad experiences with that too. Part of me still feels like it depends on the phase in their relationship. I think in the beginning that is kind of natural to do the whole "obsessed" with each other thing, and then hopefully once the relationship goes on it gets better and they get out of it. At least in my experience that is what I have found. If the relationship progresses and they are still like that.. then I start to worry. Just stick with it and hopefully these people will realize what is going on.

    Like me, you have seen how that is from the "third wheel" side and work hard to prevent it. If it makes you feel better, you are totally not like that. I have yet to even meet your boyfriend and we have been hanging out for awhile! Because we have been on that side of it, we know what it feels like and I strive to be like you are and have my own life apart from my boyfriend (when I get one!)

  3. Thanks for the comments guys! I definitely agree with what you two said.

    And... you need to meet Kevin Laura!!!!!


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